Sunday, April 16, 2006

Foster City Looking to Adopt

We are the City of Vancouver (and surrounding burbs). Our troubled child has finally gone and left us - again. With eight weeks of hockey left in the 2005/06 season we are hopelessly adrift without a team to cheer for. Applications are welcome to be our foster team. We do not want to seem ungrateful but we do have some minor conditions.

Management: Your GM has to have a name that fits into a sentence that contains the names Bob Gainey and Doug Wilson and doesn’t seem out of place. Preferably he’s not a New York lawyer and has never worked for the NHL Office. Your claim to the position has to be more substantive than you once lit Brian Bruke’s cigar. If you were once Brian Burke’s errand boy that’s nice – now run along.

Coach: Your coach has to be a former player that’s won more than one Stanley Cup. He can’t be a screamer. His name can not be Mike. He has to blend the right combination of tactics and strategy with instilling a fear of failure within his players.

Owner: Your owner has deep pockets and a passion for the game. Your owner knows to stay the hell away from anything to do with hockey operations unless it is to drop off cheques. If you have some documented connection to Captain Cook that would be nice too.

Captain: Your Captain is Canadian born. He’s from a place like Owen Sound or Sault St Marie or even better Burnaby. He’s lead the Canadian Juniors to a world championship preferably as their Captain. Joe Sakic I mean you. Iggy? Ok maybe you too.

Primary Line: You seem to score about six points a night. Not every night but most nights. You never start sentences “We had our chances, but” You never say “it is what it is” or “we don’t care.” You do say things like “I, personally, will do whatever it takes to make this situation better.” You play 3/4 of the game in the opposition's end of the rink in control of the puck. You tried a drop pass once and it was nice. You're thinking to try it again maybe next week.

Secondary Line: You seem to score about five points a night. Otherwise you’d be the primary line. You are never a risk on the ice. You’re a collective plus 30. Carter, Sedin, Sedin feel free to think we are talking about you.

Role Players: You do not have a needler in your midst’s. You do not hit from behind. You do not chirp. Individually, you score at least a point every three games. You fight when needed. One of you is a feared pugilist. One other is suspected to be able to beat the crap out of your tough guy if he was so inclined. If your names are Cooke, Park, Ruutu or Burrows please do not apply.

Defence: Your defence corps is consistent, fast and sure. You have more than one guy who can shoot the puck. You crumple opposing forwards on a regular basis. You have a blend of wily veterans and youth. If your name is Luc Bourdon please step up. If you are thinking about life in Florida or Sweden or Finland please do not. Vancouver is a nice city.

Goal: You have taken your team deep into the playoffs more than once. You have a habit of winning one game a month all on your own with a score like 1 – 0 or 2 – 1. You do not need fancy hair products. You do not easily break your bones. You have never had major reconstructive surgery. You’re happy to play 65 games and win 40 of them. Your backup is happy to play less than 20 games and will win 10 of them.

Applications are being accepted now. Calgary and Edmonton – stop laughing – and forget applying. We could never bring ourselves to cheer for you.


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  1. Not that it will fit your requirements, but I'll be rooting for the Ducks (even if they have lost the last few games). You're welcome to join me = )

  2. Did you see? Did you see??? The Ducks won tonight!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is good. = )

    Now we just have to win on Wednesday. Don't remind me of the odds. I'll just remember that we want it more than they do. Or, at least I do.

  3. Well Terry, how do you think the Canucks are looking this year? I gotta say that they are looking like contenders to me. I like Gillis and I'm also partial to 'Coach V' - plus we've even got someone from west vancouver trying to make this team this preseason.

    I'd say it's a big improvement from your assessment of 2006. Go Canucks!